Self Acceptance
It’s easy to think that self-improvement will lead to more happiness and sense of fulfillment. However, what generally happens with a self-improvement quest is that we connect with the idea that the way we are now is not acceptable. This can actually make it more difficult to create the change we want.
In his book Shift Happens, Robert Holden argues that “no amount of self-improvement can make up for a lack of self-acceptance”. When we focus on a sense that we lack something or possess a deficiency, we tend to stay there and attack ourselves. Instead of leading to laziness or complacence, self-acceptance gives us a place to start working on our goals.
So how do we find acceptance for our perceived flaws or inadequacies?
In The Happiness Trap, Dr. Russ Harris outlines how expansion skills can help us make space. Expansion allows us to go from a place of feeling tight or strained to accepting the present moment. He recommends these four steps:
Observe: Just be within your body and notice the sensations that arise. Notice with curiosity and not judgement, even if the sensation is unpleasant or painful.
Breathe: Regardless of the sensation that is showing up, make sure you push all the air out of your lungs when you exhale. Dr. Harris describes this as the “anchor in the midst of the storm,” keeping you steady until it passes.
Create space: Try to open up your body and make room for whatever is showing up. A deep inhale can make us feel strong enough to tackle the problem.
Allow: Let the thought, emotion or sensation just be. You don’t need to judge it or struggle against it. You don’t have to like it. Try to make peace with it, instead of continuing to fight it. Remember that the technique is not about changing what is happening, it's about acceptance!
A little self-criticism is normal, even healthy. But it shouldn’t create excessive anxiety or a loss of self esteem. You might find ideas and techniques such as these empowering in your quest to become a better you.
