Self-Compassion is a Smart Choice!
Compassion for others generally tends to be pretty easy - it’s often a value our parents work hard to instill in us. Compassion for ourselves is much trickier and not nearly as socially condoned. The fear tends to be that we will become lazy or narcissistic if we show ourselves any kindness. Is this really the case? Kristin Neff, Ph.D., in her pioneering book Self-Compassion (2011) show us why self-compassion works.
She offers self-compassion as the alternative to self-criticism. While it tends to feel much easier to criticize ourselves, constantly beating ourselves up doesn’t make us better people. It just makes us more frustrated and irritable. Coming from a culture that stresses independence and achievement, it’s understandable why self-criticism is the natural reaction when things don’t work out - we only have ourselves to blame. Research shows that self-criticism doesn’t improve our situation. Instead, it is much more likely to just make us more depressed and dissatisfied.
So what is self-compassion?
Dr. Neff defines three key components to self-compassion.
This first is self-kindness - an attitude of gentleness and understanding (the opposite of criticism). Self-kindness means actively giving ourselves the same soothing comfort a parent gives their small child or that we might give a dear friend. Instead of looking for love from the outside, we can find it inside. This can mean actively challenging the critical inner voice or actually giving ourselves a hug. We can be there for ourselves, whatever the situation. We can learn simply be aware of our shortcomings rather than judging them. Self-kindness or comforting ourselves can at first seem ridiculous. But when you consider that were are most often dealing with things beyond our control - beating ourselves up for what is beyond our control makes a lot less sense.
The second is an appreciation of our common humanity. It’s easy to feel alone in our struggles, especially when everyone we follow on social media only posts the good stuff. When we learn to look beyond ourselves and appreciate how others struggle, then we can really connect. We can choose to let go of isolation and focus on how we are all in this experience called life together.
Compassion is relational - we suffer together. To truly be compassionate for another, we have to be able to find compassion for ourselves. Every single one of us is fallible - that’s being human. We can move away from self-pity and appreciate that life isn’t just hard for us – it’s hard for everyone. We all have a need to belong, and it’s our mistakes that show us we belong to the human race.
The third is mindfulness - that we can find a balanced awareness when connecting with our experience and exist in the middle ground between indulging and ignoring our feelings. We can see things just as they are without adding judgements. Often life gets too busy to for us to slow down to even appreciate that we are suffering or in need of some self-compassion. It’s easy to forget that life’s big disappointments bring real honest pain. Both the disappointment and the pain are deserving of compassion. We might try ignoring our suffering in hopes that it will go away, but it always comes back.
What are the benefits of self-compassion?
One of Kristin’s most significant finding in the research is that people who have more self-compassion tend to be less anxious and depressed. Who doesn’t want that?
Self-compassion can help us to be less reactive in negative ways by finding some space between negative thoughts and emotions.
Because our mind is designed to hold onto negative thoughts, we often see the world through a distorted lens only focused on the negative. It’s self-compassion that helps us to break free of these thoughts. When we actively take the time to make contact with what we are experiencing, provide soothing comfort when we need it, and remembering we are not alone in this, then life tends to get a bit easier.
How self-compassionate are you? Take the quiz!
