Why Being “Good Enough” is Better Than Perfect…

It’s hard to ignore the cultural pull of perfection. Messages that we will only be liked when we are perfect can begin very early in life and the ensuing anxiety starts to take root. While the anxiety that comes with perfectionism is a normal reaction, we don’t have to settle for it - there is another way to respond.

In her bestselling book, The Gifts of Imperfection (published 9 years ago, it’s still relevant for us today), Brené Brown shows us the traps of perfectionism and what we get from showing up as ourselves. What we can find is the courage, compassion and connection that comes from simply being honest and our authentic selves.

Courage

This may sound simple at first but stop to think about the courage it takes to be vulnerable. It is no small feat to be honest with ourselves and others when things don’t turn out or we make mistakes. The fear of being rejected is real (especially when we come from a background where it has been hard to trust). When we muster the courage to push though that fear, we begin to find the people who show up for us no matter what and love us even when we are at our worst. That comfort in knowing who’s there for us, no matter what, is our reward for our courage. I think that’s what we really want out of life - people who understand not only our good parts but our struggles as well. As a Bridget Jones’ Diary fan, I always think of the moment where Mark Darcy tells Bridget that he likes her “just as (she is)”. Who doesn’t want that?

Compassion

Compassion is one of those words often left without a common understanding. Of the multitude of definitions - the one that best resonates in the therapeutic world is “to be with suffering”. It’s a big ask to be able to sit with our own suffering and the suffering of others and no mystery why we might want to avoid it. Believe me when I say that I fully appreciate the appeal of throwing the covers over my head and ignoring what I’d rather not see. Whether it’s taking the time to do what would be easier to put off (reaching out to a friend in pain when having no idea what to say or how to help) or taking time to acknowledge our own hurts and disappointments, it’s never easy. However, like many things in life, it does gets less scary with practice because we begin to understand that it’s not a permanent state. We sit with and honor feelings and then get back to our regular business.

Connection

From our earliest ancestors, we are wired for connection. It’s a legitimate human need that we tend to forget - to feel heard and valued. Living in a culture that’s as focused on independence and achievement as ours, it can be hard to admit that we really just want to be part of a tribe. Instead of setting ourselves apart from others through our triumphs (often in the hope of praise or recognition) we can focus on belonging to a wonderful group of humans - imperfect just like us. We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off with the help of others on our team.  Perhaps we still have a little dust remaining, but that’s ok, because everybody else does too! Life is messy - and you will find that embracing this messiness is a lot easier that fighting against it.

So what’s the plan after understanding what we get from letting go of being perfect and working on courage, compassion and connection? 

I think aiming for “good enough” can be the answer. It might not sound very satisfying but give it a try. We don’t let go of our values and goals - we just make the expectations more realistic and, therefore, attainable. Instead of setting ourselves up for failure (by setting the bar impossibly high), we meet reasonable expectations. Things often take longer than we want, or we end up with most but not all of what we had hoped to accomplish. But we keep moving and growing in the right direction.  

Some might argue that giving up perfection is defeat, but I think it generally respects our best efforts and allows for what isn’t in our control. Doing what the situation calls for instead of exhausting ourselves with above and beyond - is often more effective because we have some reserve for what comes next. Real humans aren’t superheroes. We have limits. And that’s ok.

Lasting change doesn’t happen overnight - so have patience with the process. I wish you good luck getting to “good enough”. 

Interested in more inspiration from Brené Brown? Check out her website!