How do our Expectations Impact our Happiness?

We all want to be happy. Happiness is a very normal desire. But how much happiness is reasonable to expect? Most of us like to think that our emotions (like happiness) are within our control. If we want to be happy then we should be able to make ourselves happy, right?

If only it were that simple.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy challenges the idea that we can control emotions and thoughts.

In his book, The Happiness Trap, Dr. Russ Harris calls the idea of happiness as a natural state a myth. He argues that we have much less control over our thoughts and emotions than we are taught to believe. If it were that easy we would always be happy and have positive thoughts. Most of us have some experience with the ineffectiveness of trying to think or feel something that isn’t naturally happening. Believing that we are in control also puts us at risk for blaming ourselves when we aren’t happy or things aren’t going our way.

What is the answer when we aren’t in control?

Acceptance. Acceptance is simply allowing for what is. Acceptance doesn’t mean we have to like what is happening. It is simply acknowledging the truth of the present situation. Harris highlights that this generally takes lots and lots of practice.

So the meal at the new restaurant with great reviews wan’t actually all that great? We can struggle and get angry or simply remember not to go back. Choosing someplace different next time is within our control. Our perceived quality and enjoyment of the meal not so much.

Our current culture can make it easy to have unrealistic expectations. Americans tend to prioritize excitement and pleasure. We get sucked into social medial (where people post the highlights) and assume we are doing something wrong if others look happier.

Can we be setting ourselves up for anxiety and disappointment if we want more happiness than we are getting?

Yes. When our expectations are too high we tend not to be very happy. Happiness comes when the results meet or surpass our expectations; that meal that we were expecting to be good turns out to be great.

What happens when our expectations are too low?

Many of us opt out when our expectations are too low. This means we miss out - on connection and new experiences - which does not lead to a full, rich life. Participating in something even it if turns out to be “so-so” can help us learn a lot.

What happens when we don’t know what to expect?

If we can tolerate a little uncertainty about what our experience might be, we are less likely to be disappointed and unhappy.

We also need to remember the changing nature of our environment and our emotions. So if we expect to be happy a high percentage of the time, we are likely to be disappointed.