How Can I be a Good Friend to Someone Who is Struggling With Anxiety?

We can begin with a deep appreciation that anxiety is part of the human experience and can even start out being useful motivator to take action. So it is important not to think of it as a flaw or even judge ourselves when we might be struggling around this friend or loved one (sometimes anxiety can feel contagious). You can remind them that they are allowed to have big emotions as part of the human experience. Though they might feel broken, you can help them connect with their positive qualities and contributions.

Show some compassion.

A compassionate stance makes it easier to “befriend” anxiety rather than struggle against it. In her book, Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff encourages us to treat ourselves like we would a good friend. When an actual friend or loved one is suffering in front of us, we can demonstrate this very important compassion. Ideally, the next time we are feeling anxious we will have an easier time being kind to ourselves.

It can be helpful to remind them that their emotions and thoughts are just temporary. The problem or situation will pass. You can help them to recall a time when they felt this way in the past but then things changed.

It can also be helpful to appreciate that sometimes anxiety presents in different ways. Some of us tend to become more irritable and perfectionistic, others tend to get stuck or immobilized by the fear that comes with anxiety. When we understand that anxiety is at the root of the behavior we might have an easier time finding compassion.

Alice Boyes, author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit, suggests trying to match your support to their preferences. Some friends might want practical support (help breaking the problem down into manageable goals/steps while respecting their priorities) and others might want more emotional support (if they are fearful of being abandoned you can reassure them of your presence while they are struggling).

Don’t rush to “fix” it.

When we see someone we care deeply about really struggling, it can be temping to take over solving the problems. Remember the best support is generally helping someone help themselves, not doing the fixing ourselves. The goal is to help them see their own inherent strengths in taking care of themselves.

It’s also ok to take care of ourselves in this process. If we take on too much responsibility, we might become anxious ourselves. Support might also look like organizing an outing where we don’t discuss the problems and our friend can take a break from the worry. Don’t worry about providing the perfect support and remember that we are all doing our best!